Friday, October 26, 2012

This isn't pretty poetry.

I keep the window open
She tells me what she's feeling
Neither of us worried
Because she's funny that way
I'd never have to ask
And neither does she
Enveloped in a grey haze
She hurls herself through the screen
And collects in pools along my windowsill
I keep the window open
Because afterall, 1/6 is a generous amount of pie

Monday, August 20, 2012

Give me a few whys

I could be the person you want me to be,
If you'd just let me.
Instead I'll be the person I want to be,
Because I'm finding out that's enough for me.

Friday, August 10, 2012

(Sigh) I needed that.

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

          A poem attributed to Mother Theresa. 

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

If a picture's worth a thousand words....

then I'd say this one's worth two thousand.

Happy Best Friends Day
to my best friend
who's seen me at my best
and definitely at my worst
Thanks for always being there for me

Friday, July 13, 2012

Is this real life?

I live two different lives.
Life #1

Life #2

Both so different, separate, and opposite from eachother. Right now, I'm living life #2, and most of the time, it's my favorite one. It's a wierd feeling to go back and forth between the two, and honestly, it sometimes takes a toll on my emotional well being. When I am in one life, the other seems to hardly exist at all. People get busy, and keeping that connection simply through the phone line, or a pen and paper is hard. But, as a dear friend of mine would say, "know that leaves will fall and flowers will bloom as you and I stand where we stand."

Monday, June 25, 2012

One year ago today.

This was me one year ago today; stepping off the plane in Milan, Italy.


This was the best two weeks of my life, and I would pack my bags and go back tonight if I could.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

I've heard it said...

“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
Coincidence? I think not.

I must be the luckiest girl in the world.

Monday, June 4, 2012

It's not enough.

I love the sky most of all.
But you are more to me
than all the skies.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Dreamt Aloud

In the faded haze,
Behind curtained eye lids.
A familiar voice,
Reaches through muffled connection.
Pulls me from a dark nights grasp.
Reminding me of what is,
And assuring me of what will be.

Aching to keep you deep in my subconscious,
I loosen my grip.
Eyes jult open.
Frantically searching
Desperately longing.
Of course,
Only you could reach me here.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Everlasting Light

Photo Credit: Eva Stilson

Let me be your everlasting light
The sun when there is none
I'm a shepherd for you
And I'll guide you through
Let me be your everlasting light

Let me be your everlasting light
I'll hold and never scold
In me you can confide
When no one's by your side
Let me be your everlasting light

Oh baby, can't you see
It's shinin' just for you
Loneliness is over
Dark days are through
They're through

Let me be your everlasting light
A train goin' 'way from pain
Love is the coal
That makes this train roll
Let me be your everlasting light

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Gentle handed, Lion hearted

This boy is my best friend, and my sister. Niels is one of the easiest people on this planet to get along with, and I'm going to miss him a lot. He's leaving on a two year mission to Morristown New Jersey and I couldn't be more excited for him. Over the past three years or so, I've gotten closer to Niels. He's one of those few people I can talk for hours about nothing and everything. There are no walls to break down, and no egg shells to walk around. I trust this kid more than anyone, and love him so much. Saying goodbye to Niels was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Even though it wasn't a goodbye, but merely a "see ya in two years", it was still so hard. He is doing the right thing, no doubt, and I couldn't support him more than I already do. Before you leave Niels, just know that I really do love you so much. Never forget that. You are going to be such a good missionary, and the people of New Jersey are so lucky! Good luck, and don't worry about us, because we'll be just as in love with you when you come back!

Please enjoy these pictures of Niels and I either in nature or eating. Our favorite things.

These are my other best friends. We all love eachother so much. As one of our last days all together for a while, we went up to Vernon Utah to Chris' ranch. It was one of the best days, that should've never ended.

Cocorosie: Rainbow Warriors

In these times of evil spirits
Of material thugs and mischief
Fear Saint Noni's wisdom
And his love for rainbow spirits
Jealous of their faithful heart-bond
And their dancing and their laughing
Made at last a league against them
To molest them and destroy them
Saint Noni wise and heart-strong
Often said to Rainbowarrior
"O my brother do not leave me!
Lest the evel spirits harm you!"
Rainbowarrior of two spirits
Gentle hand and lion-hearted
He laughed and then he answered
Like a child he softly whispered

We are Rainbowarriors
Evil come not near
Rainbow love awaits us
With hearts of love and tears

He's dead our sweetest mother
Loving father and our teacher
He's gone from us forever
He has moved a little nearer
To the master of all laughter
To the master of all song
O my brother, O my brother
Crystal brother of two spirits
Then we gathered in a circle
Stood round the rainbow fire
Burning embers hearts united
We remembered mystical beauty
If you look hard you can find a
Rainbow trail it's deep inside ya
Fear not you're a rainbowarrior
Golden light on everything gleaming

Monday, May 7, 2012

Just ranting.

Truth is, girls are pretty damn dramatic.

Truth is, the world is not out to get you.

Truth is, I'm done doing things for other people because it's what I think they want, or so I don't hurt their feelings. (Niels explains the feeling pretty well.) I'm done feeling to blame for your sadness.

Truth is, Moab is where I'm supposed to be right now. Sometimes it's too far away, and sometimes, not far enough.

Truth is, there's someone I really miss, that I'm going to miss a whole lot more in 8 days.

Truth is, I don't know what the truth is.

Call it what you want, but I just say it how it is.

Thursday, May 3, 2012


There were six,and then there was one, and one, and four.
But mostly there was one.

These same heavy, red eyes
fight their way through the dark,
through the deep pools,
the deep pools that fill up without notice.
These same eyes,
longing to see the five.

These same lungs fill up with the hot, dry, redness.
These same lungs,
long to breathe the same air.

Pulling each direction
These same hands that are pulled
back and forth across the barren 188 mile stretch.
These same hands,
longing to touch.
But something unknown pulls me to stay.
Something unknown and beautiful.
To stay here,
when all of me is there.
All of me besides this body.

There were six, and then there was one.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Thanks for trying Jack.

Got a speeding ticket on my way home yesterday, probably for a very large sum of money. The ironic part is I was listening to this song.

Cool man, cool.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

But it all boils down to one quotable phrase...

"If you love something, give it away."

This was given to me by some little girls who probably had no idea the effect it would have on me. As I held it in my hand and studied each letter, each word, a flood of emotions came over me. Realization: it's all going to be ok.

Today is just what I needed.

Sometimes I have those days where I don't feel like going to chuch because I could get a lot of things done if I just spent the whole day at the house.

Today was one of those days.

But I went anyway.

Sometimes I have those days where everything I hear at church is exactly what I needed to hear.

Today was one of those days.

A few of the highlights:
  • Forgive YOURSELF
  • Believe in God
  • Give of yourself to others
Yeah, those are all things I could use A LOT of practice in.

And another thing: We were asked to think of our best day. Do you want to know what I thought of? GET READY, because you'd never guess.

I closed my eyes and saw flashes. Flashes of those faces. Those faces that I love. Flashes. That first night the four of us hung out when I got off work. That night the three of us stayed up till 5:30 on your birthday. That first time just you and I talked in your room about all the hardships we'd been through. That day the four of us went to Tucanos, and then layed around all day. That time you threw up. That day we all decided to punch eachother. That night we hiked Delicate. That night when we all said goodbye. That day I drove away and realized everything. Flashes. Ok so it's not one day, but you get the idea. And sure, they aren't all perfect, but they're some of my fondest memories.

Do I repeat myself? Very well then, I repeat myself.

Next, "What if you could have your best day, every day?" WOW. Every day? I want to have my best day every day! And I can, and I will, and I started with today.

After church I went for a hike by myself. After all, it is Earth Day, and what better way to spend it?

What I planned to be about an hour or so hike turned into four hours totaling about nine miles. My goal was to hike up Mill Creek to find the pools. My ipod died not five minutes into the hike, which is actually probably the reason I got lost. I was lost in my thoughts. Not realizing the canyon split, I kept walking the wrong way until I realized it had been two hours, headed back to the parking lot and barely made it back before dark. Though not at all what I planned, it was a day well spent. There's something about nature that brings you closer to God, and to yourself. I'll probably go back tomorrow and hike to the pools now that I know which way not to go.

So, happy Earth Day, or something like that.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Ode to Emily

This is Emily. Emily is Moab. Delete is, insert was.
Emily was Moab.
Emily has moved to Pennsylvania to milk goats, make cheese and work on a farm.

Last year, I left everything, packed up, and moved to Moab. Not knowing what to expect I started a job at the Moab Adventure Center, where among many other things, met Emily. It didn't take long for me to love this girl. Can I just say that Emily is easily one of the most genuine people I have ever met. She is so hard working and is good at anything she sets her mind to. If she wants something, she will accomplish it! Anyway, Emily took me under her wing and taught me how to do things around the MAC, but more importantly she befriended me. In my eyes that's the best thing someone could do for me. Emily was easily the best thing that happened to me here.

Now, I'm back. Back in Moab. This time it was a little harder to convince myself to come. First of all, I had just formed new friendships that were some of the best that I've experienced my whole life. And second, no Emily. "How am I going to do this without her?" is a constant thought running through my head. Who will I watch movies with late into the night? Who will I have story time with in the slow morning hours at the MAC? Who will sit by me at church? Who will laugh with me about stupid things that aren't funny? Who will go to Dennys with me? Who will talk to me forever about boys? WHO? No one could ever replace Emily. She has made a huge impact in my life and I love her beyond measure. But, we are both embarking in seperate journeys. I in Moab, and Emily across the country in Pennsylvania. I'm trying not to be sad about it, because she is in a good place. She is doing good things and having new adventures. She's an amazing person with an amazing future. (Please marry my brother so I can keep you forever!)

If you have the chance to meet Emily, you are the luckiest. She is a good friend, one of my best, and a good listener. She has good ideas, and her witts about her. She is strong (stronger than an Omish boy) and such a hard worker. She knows all the answers and will pour her heart into helping anyone. This girl cares.This girl is a keeper.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Of course,

I found the black lights after everyone went back home.

So, I plugged 'em in, cranked the Katy Perry, and had a dance party alone in my underwear.

Though I haven't had any human interaction today, this has its perks too.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Please don't go

I'll eat you up, I love you so.

Those three days where some of the best to date.

I can't really say the same about these past two.

The quiet reminds me of what isn't here, what I left behind. The quiet gives me time to think. Perhaps too much time. Was this the right thing to do? Is this where I'm supposed to be? Last time was so much easier. I felt like I had nothing to lose. This time it's almost like I have everything to lose.

The first day was the hardest. That morning as I choked back tears, these people drove away and back to their lives. I waited on the porch knowing it wouldn't happen, but still hoping to see those headlights come back up the street. Waiting. I tried to climb into bed and fall back asleep. Those past few nights had been too fun to sleep. But I couldn't sleep. My eyes and body were weak at tired, but my heart weaker.  

My friend Emily seems to be the only one who knows where I'm coming from, and for that I'm grateful. Talking to her helps me feel that I'm not alone. She shares my fear in that the newest relationships I have formed will be the ones to fade away the quickest. I can't stand the thought of it, but its that thought that constantly haunts me.

I don't know what those moments ment to you. Those moments of complete vulnerability. Those moments where all the walls that you so carefully built up came crashing down. For me, it ment a lot, and I hold those moments close. Unnecessary apologies were the majority of what was spoken, and in the end it probably all means nothing. But whatever you do, don't forget that I care.

Don't forget. Forgetting is my biggest fear.

Monday, April 2, 2012

The hardest thing

There are so many words. Too many, not enough, the wrong ones. Words.

I knew it was going to be hard to leave them behind, but this was harder than I thought. I didn't expect to have to pull over and have my mom drive us the rest of the way. I didnt expect to read those letters aloud to her as I hardly managed to choke back tears. It just happened, and I don't have words.

(This is the only picture where most of us are looking and it's clear enough that you can make out all our faces, sord of.)

I know we've all said how things won't change, and when I come back it'll be like I never left, but I can't help but worry. I am my fathers daughter, which means I'm a stresser. I know it's only for four months, but think about all that has happened in one month. In one month, my life has completely changed for the better. I have grown closer to the most beautiful people imaginable. 

This picture makes me the happiest kid. Can't take your eyes off them? Me either! I don't think I have ever loved a group of people so much, so fast. It's been said again and again that I feel like I've known them all my life. Which makes me think, maybe I have. Maybe nothing is coincidence, and everything leading up to becoming close to these beauties is just for that. To become close to them. They have changed me so much for the better, and my love for them is so deep.

Ohhh these boys. There is something about these boys that I can't get enough of. They aren't dramatic, they dont care what you're wearing, they will play video games with me and tell dirty jokes. They always want to go out to eat, because they're always hungry, just like me. I feel like they're all my brothers, and I love them so so so much! (Not pictured: Kent, Chris and Tony)

P.S. For those of you who thought I wasn't serious about sleeping with those letters in my bed, THINK AGAIN!

They haven't left my side, because I feel like there is a little part of each of you with me through these notes. I keep them close and it helps me with my anxiety. Besides having you all here with me, I couldn't have asked for anything better than these letters in which the words are all the right ones.

P.S.S This girl left a little early, but that doesn't make me love her less, she just gets her own picture!

Friday, March 30, 2012

The Family You Choose

 You know those people that just make you want to be a better person just by simply being?

     Hands down, my friends are most definitely better than yours.

These are a few of my favorites...

This kid can make me laugh harder than anyone ever. Tanner is the most real person you will ever meet. He'll give it to you straight up, and he's not going to pretend to be someone he's not. I really respect that. I've spent some time with this kid and he's got some good stories. Some people take him for granted, and they are seriously missing out. He's got my back, and I can trust that he's not going to let me down.

This one's Bayley. Wow. She is the most genuine, beautiful person I have ever met. She cares so much about everyone and everything. I feel like everthing she does, she does well, and that is how I want to be. She is humble and smart and knows exactly what to say to make you feel like the greatest person. Words definitely don't come easy in describing Bayley. She's a keeper, that's one thing I know for sure.

My newest favorite. Chris and I have been friends for about 4 minutes, but I honestly feel like I've known this kid for so long. You can so easily be yourself around Chris. He makes me laugh until my heart hurts, but he also knows when to be serious. Chris puts other people's feelings before his own and is so easy to get along with. There is so much talent bundled up under that hat that it will blow your mind. Seriously though.

Niels is my sister. I could really talk to this kid for hours. There aren't many people I trust as much as him, and I feel like we can talk about anything. Most of my favorite memories from the past couple years include Niels and it's going to be hard to let him leave for two years. He has so much strength and wisdom and I know he will give me the best advice. I can always ask him for help, and I never have to worry what he'll think of me, he just cares.

Gorgeous. This girl is so beautiful and smart. She has good style and reads so many books. Hayley is seriously so easy to love. This girl is constantly happy and makes me want to be happy. She might be a little more subtle than the others, but she doesn't go unnoticed. Hayley can light up the room just by being in it.  

Tonight, I got to see all these beauties, and that is what made it a beautiful night.

In three short days, I am leaving these people (among many others) to go live in Moab. This is what I need right now, and I know its where I'm supposed to be, but I already know its going to be really hard. About a week after I left Moab to come home for the winter last season, it was all I could think about to go straight back. Now the time is here, and it's hard to walk away from these people who make me better every day. These people who brought me back from a very dark place. These people who I want to spend every second with. These people that make me the happiest, luckiest girl. These people who probably can't even comprehend how much they mean to me.